14 Dear Martha Malone
The Tyler Chronicle Winter, 2022 Worldwide EditionDear Martha MaloneAdvice to the Lovelorn... You are invited to write Martha. Whatever your problem may be, Martha will be happy to give you tons of free advice. Take it for what it's worth. Send your email to: editor@thetylerchronicle.com Most of the stories published are based in fact, but Martha is inclined to use "poetic license" to the fullest! Following is our most recent letter to Martha. What advice would YOU offer? Dear Martha, I am sixteen and I live with my stepfather and two step brothers. I have a boyfriend who will graduate next year but neither of us is ready to get married. The problem is that my stepdad keeps trying to come into my room at night after everybody has gone to bed. He keeps making up excuses for coming in, but I know what he wants. I have told him in no uncertain terms to keep his distance, but he keeps on. I don’t feel safe to go to sleep! Last night, I pushed my chest of drawers against the door to keep him out. He had been drinking (which he does a lot nowadays). My mother’s sister who lives in a nearby town has invited me to come live with her. Should I try to talk some sense into him, or should I just move out? Sincerely, Sleeping Beauty Dear Martha Malone, I am 21 years old and was married for less than a year when my husband and I were divorced. I won't go into the reasons for the divorce, but now that it's all over, I have found another man that I love very much and would like to marry. We spent our first night together recently, or I should say, part of the night together. You see, my former husband was a tattoo artist (although not a very good one). At any rate, I let him put large,imtimate tattoos on my body in very intimate places (top and bottom, front and rear). He signed his name on them real big too! When I undressed on our first night together, and my new boyfriend saw them, he went into a jealous rage and walked out, leaving me alone in the motel room. He hasn't been to see me or returned my calls since. I can't understand why he is so upset! I don't want to lose him, so I considered having the tattoos removed, but the doctor says that would be almost impossible. I wish I had never let him do this to me! I feel branded for life! What can I do? Branded Dear "Branded", Removing large tattoos from human skin is not an easy thing to do. Some of the methods used involved blistering the skin with acids and peeling off the resulting dead skin, grinding the skin off with a rotary wire brush, after it's been frozen, "burning" the tattooed skin with lasers, or actually removing the skin surgically. All of these methods involve the risk of infection, and leave scar tissue in place of the tattoo. Considering the location and size of your tattoos, you might be wiser just to leave them as they are. Unfortunately, what you wrote is true. You are indeed "branded for life". Martha Malone Dear Martha Malone, I am a Baptist minister. I was divorced three times before my most recent marriage, which is now coming to an end only a few short months after we spoke our sacred vows. My most recent wife is into musical evangelism, and together we started a new church in an abandoned store front. I worked hard to make the marriage work and to make the new church successful. But I knew something was wrong with the marriage from the start, since my new wife would frequently drive away from the house at eleven or twelve at night and not return until the early morning hours. When I asked her to explain what was going on, she would say something like... "Oh that's just me!" She ran up several thousand dollars in credit card and telephone debt in just a couple of months and now she tells me that she wants a divorce!" I prayed about it and told her that I didn't think it was God's will for us to separate. She left the house cursing me like a drunken sailor, and I later learned that she moved in with an ex-husband truck driver three blocks down the street. Now her lawyer has sent me a letter saying that she wants the marriage annulled on the grounds that it was never consumated. It definitely was consumated. Now I'm in a hard spot. I don't want another divorce, but neither do I want to swear a lie in court to get an annullment. I know we could work things out if she would just try. Please give me some advice. Don the Baptist Dear Baptist, Sounds to me like you two are a pretty well-matched pair. I advise you to try to stay with her for the rest of your life... just to help prevent her from screwing up the lives of more poor fools like yourself. Martha Malone Dear Martha Malone, My husband and I have been married for ten years, and have had what I thought was a solid relationship until about six months ago, when my attractive seventeen year-old niece moved in with us. My husband is thirty-two years old, but when he's around this girl, he acts like a teen-ager. He seems to be constantly going out of his way to make physical contact with her; chasing, dancing, and "playfully wrestling" at every opportunity. She encourages him too! I have awakened on several occasions to discover him not in bed with me. I'm afraid to know what may be happening. I just don't know what to do! I leave home for work about seven-thirty each morning and don't get back in until around six. My husband is currently unemployed and spends most of his time at home. (Watching television?) I know I have let myself "run down" during the past several years and can in no way compare to the new "competition". I have tried to talk to him about the problem, but he dismisses my concern as "unfounded jealousy". What should I do? Afraid to Know Dear Afraid, Your dilemma is an old one. Regardless of whether your husband and niece have crossed the lines of propriety yet or not, there is only one solution from your point of view... Get the girl out of your house. Martha Malone Dear Martha Malone, My son is 32 years old and has moved back in the house with me after his third unsuccessful marriage. I'm his mother and I love him, but he's back on drugs in spite of all the promises he has made. He can't keep a job and now expects me to pay his way. I am a 65 year-old widow and live on a fixed income. He expects me to buy the cigarettes to support his filthy habit. I have asked him to leave several times, but he won't. Last night he came in from a "party" completely stoned and spent the night roaming the house and slamming doors and hitting the wall with his fist and talking in strange voices. I tried to talk to him, but he called me an "old bitch" and threatened to hit me. I spent the rest of the sleepless night in hysterics. I pray for him all the time, but it doesn't seem to help. I think he is demon-possessed. He finally passed out on the floor. I called the police a few minutes ago and now I'm piling his stuff out in the driveway. I can't go on like this I just can't go on like this. Where did I go wrong? We always gave him everything he wanted. Distraught Mother Dear Distraught, Where did you go wrong? You summed it up in your last sentence. You gave him everything he wanted, and now he still expects it. You, more than anyone else are responsible for the monster your son has become. You helped make him what he is. Martha Malone Dear Martha Malone, This older man and me have been going together now for several years but we broke up three months ago because he is a real "nerd". He has this thing about drugs... a real anti-drug freak. He told me when we first started going together (I was married at the time) that he would leave me if he ever found out that I had been doing drugs of any kind. I told him, of course, that I would never do that! And the jerk believed me. Yeah, I was on speed, crack, and Mary Jane, and he thought I was straight! I told you. He was a real jerk. Sometimes when I would go to see him, I'd be flying outa this world and the old fool didn't even know I was high! Yeah, that's how dumb he was. Then about a year ago, I got busted on a drug charge in another county. Quite naturally, he found out about it. And things haven't been the same between us since. He says he can't never trust me again. I don't really need this old dude you know, but I miss some of the good times we used to have, like trips and stuff. Why can't he understand that a little MJ and crack never hurt anybody? Besides, I can quit any time I want to. Red Dear Red, Drugs make you feel good, sure. But for that good feeling, you pay a big price. You have lost one of the most important things anyone can have... and that is the trust of another person. You have traded a meaningful relationship for your habit. Live with it. Martha Malone Dear Martha Malone, I need help. Boy do I need help! I had this pretty girl, long honey blonde hair, 5Ft. 4in., about 120 lb. We was so happy. Dated 5 1/2 months. She was a old fashion girl, no kissing, no touching until marriage. Well, when the power lines went down, we all would spend the night at a friend's house. They had a fire place, so we was warm, but full of people. My girl friend got behind the door to put her gown on. Well, you know I just had to look. Oh, did I look close! Real close! And what a shock was it. My heart almost stopped. My pretty girl wasn't a girl at all. She was a He! Oh what can I do to hold face. My family loves her, sisters, brothers, all love her, my mother. Just what can I say? Help, Help! Dear "Help", Well, you're right about one thing. You DO need help. You say you are a man, but you dated this person five and a half months and you didn't even find out if it was female? That doesn't sound like much of a man to me! Get some of what it takes and start acting like the man you say you are. On the other hand, you could take your friend to a good surgeon and make everybody happy. Modern medical science can do wonders -- a few nips and tucks and yesterday's "Willie" becomes today's "Willimena". Sounds like it wouldn't take too much to make the conversion in your own case. Martha Malone Dear Martha Malone We've all heard "fish tales" about the "big ones" that got away. I've never had much time for fishing (for fish, that is). But I've had moe than my share of "good ones" that got away. When I think about all the missed opportunities of the past decades, sometimes I feel a little depressed about the whole thing. I can't justify feeling sorry for myself though because in most cases the catch was lost because of inaction on my part. As Confucius probably said, "Fish on hook does not necessarily mean dinner in the pan!" How true, how true. My first great loss of this type came at the happy age of twelve. Her name was Odessa, and although she was only two years older than I in ordinary years, she was light years ahead of me in experience. My one and only experience with Odessa came when she was visiting her cousin, Connie, who lived near me. And so it happened that on one beautiful autumn afternoon, when the leaves were beginning to turn and the first hint of autumn was in the air that lovely Odessa, obviously lonely, sought to dispel that loneliness. We were playing on the fragarant straw in the loft of a huge log barn, with wooden shingles and the gently curving lines that only a century or more of existence can bring. The barn had been built by Connie's German ancestors who first settled the property. It was surrounded by oaks older than the barn itself, which cast their reflections across the surface of a still, dark pond. As we luxuriated in the hay, it soon became obvious that Odessa was in the mood for some serious communication. She began by asking me about my experience with girls. It didn't take me long to fill her in on that... since there wasn't any. Well, not unless you want to count the time my first grade girlfriend gave me a big smack during recess at school one day. But I didn't think that counted, so I didn't mention it. Odessa asked me if I'd ever been REALLY kissed (to use her emphasis). I said no, and within seconds she had laid one on me. I thought I would strangle! But before I could get my breath, Connie decided to get into the act. They seemed to be trying to outdo each other! :As I pushed myself away from Connie and her fragrant, long, black hair, I saw Odessa's halter top sailing across the haystack. I took off like I'd just seen a ghost! Maybe two of them! I slid down the ladder from the loft and hit the ground in a dead run. Within minutes, I was safely inside our house a quarter of a mile away, flushed red as a beet, and covered with sweat, grit, straw, and lipstick. My mother, completely unaware of the near-miss, was preoccupied at the old wood-burning cookstove and without turning around, advised me to clean up for supper. I didn't sleep very much that night, even though the early autumn rain sang lullabies on the tin roof. I vowed to return to the barn next day. I did. It was cold and empty. From that day on, I was aware that something beautiful was missing from my life. Fisherman Dear Fisherman, I've had a few of those "big ones" to get off my hook too. But hey! It's an imperfect world! Keep casting! Martha Malone Dear Martha Malone The guy I just dumped came into the place where I work. He was with some of his friends and he was falling down drunk. Up until this time, he had never drunk any type of alcohol. One of his friends told me it was my fault he was drunk, and that I should give him "anything" he wanted. What do you think? Why is his behavior my fault? Puzzled Dear Puzzled, Life has it's hard spots. Getting "dumped" is one of them. Regardless of the emotional pain he is suffering, your exe-boyfriend is responsible for his own actions. Martha Malone
You are invited to send your letters to Martha Malone and share your romantic experiences with the rest of the whole wide world. Let us hear from you today. Use postal service, or email. Our email address is: editor@thetylerchronicle.com. Your letters will be published as space and time permit. : Sexually explicit letters and those containing obscenity may be edited (read "censored"!). But, for the most part, we keep the editing to a minimum. We publish "Martha Malone" principally for it's entertainment value, but who knows, once in a while it may contain a kernel of good advice. ___________________________________ Valentine's Day, Originally a Non-Lover's Holiday!___________________________________ |
